I haven’t done a teaser in a long while. I found this quite hilarious. Also, I ‘ll announce some news while I’m at it. I have now officially dropped Shura’s Wrath. But fear not, another group is picking it up. The translators of Apocalypse Cockroach over at chinanovel.net have decided to pick up Shura’s Wrath. Shura’s Wrath will also be continued to be posted on moonbunnycafe.com. They said they’ll start translating next week once they catch up and have everything set. I’ll be making an official post in a couple of days.
Title: The Experimental Log of the Crazy Lich, 疯巫妖的实验日志, feng wu yao de shi yan ri zhi
Author: Angry Squirrel, 愤怒的松鼠
Genre: Otherworld Game 游戏异界
Tags: Action, Adventure, Comedy, Fantasy, Magic, Reincarnation
Synopsis: This is the story of a crazy lich carrying a game system and terrorizing an entire world.
” Let’s look at the daily quest today… These two bullshit choices again, destroy any city with 30 thousand and above people, rewards of 10 thousand evil points. Take the lollipops of three little kids, rewards of 1 point. If both are not done then -2 points.”
“Ptui! You think I’m stupid, if I really destroy a city I’m guaranteed to spawn a squad of medieval paladins full of epic ranks to come and subdue me. At that time I won’t be able to spend anything. I’ll just kindly be my lollipop bandit.”
I’ve already had enough of being a notorious lich, who says that liches can’t be good people? I definitely have to beat this damned system and be an upright good person.
Chapter 1: I Really am a Good Person
“I am a good person.”
It’s very strange, everybody clearly knows that I am a good person, a good law-abiding citizen, why is this magistrate in-front of me still pestering me.”
“As a law-abiding resident of Blackrock Mountain, I pay my taxes in a timely-fashion, at work I am a good worker, in the community I am a good neighbour and a good companion. Look, I’m also a good person passionate about pets. Look at this medal, my Ah Bao is even the champion of the community pet superstar competition!”
The medal and ribbon acting as evidence are hanging on the wall at the side, on the medal it also says “Winner of the seventh Blackrock Mountain pet competition” “May our healthy and cute Ah Bao be forever healthy”.
And Ah Bao that obtained glory for me is right underneath the wall enjoying his dinner.
Unfortunately no matter how I explained it that drow city magistrate just stared at me without speaking, seemingly firmly believing that I’m lying.
“Pet? Ah Bao? You’re talking about that terrifying monster, he’s one of the reasons that your being reported! The Rofl family accuses your pet of attacking their son!”
Underneath the award at the corner, Ah Bao who was being slandered was in the middle of drooling and licking a bone. Seeing his master look at him he even revealed an idiotic smile with drool, he’s so cute.
Rofl? Who? I really don’t have that name in my memory.
Right when I was hesitating about whether or not to use a reconnaissance spell to traceback my increasingly worse memory, seemingly seeing my confusion that drow city magistrate said with a cold laugh.
“… Don’t you think this line of yours is very unconvincing? The monster that you’re raising even has his son’s tibia bone in his mouth.”
“Hm? Oh! It’s the skeleton soldier family facing the street, their family especially likes to play with Ah Bao, they really are good people.”
Hurriedly floating over and trying to pull out the bone from Ah Bao’s mouth who is tightly holding onto the tibia bone and not letting go, helplessly I could only raise my fist and knock on this idiotic dog’s noggin.
“Let go, let go, you idiot, if you don’t want to be put in quarantine then let go.”
He really is a good, obedient dog, seeing me being so persistent my cute Ah Bao whimpered and gave up on his treasure with a heart-breaking expression.
“Don’t worry Ah Bao, after I dispatch this bitch I’ll let the Rofl family play with you, play for a whole year.” I promised quietly.
But there’s still a bit of trouble in front. The tibia bone in-front has been captured as evidence, it really isn’t that easy to dispute. I squeezed out a smile on my face, working hard to please the magistrate in-front, smiling with flattery.
“A misunderstanding, it’s all a misunderstanding. Ah Bao was just too enthusiastic. He always likes to make new friends and is then always reluctant when leaving. Isn’t it normal to grab a memento from a good friend?”
I tried to hand the bone over but the magistrate suddenly retreated.
“Don’t come over, maintain a safe distance, who knows what kind of evil curse you’ve put on it. My colleagues are still outside, if I don’t go back do you plan on facing the anger of the entire city security management force (Shortened as officers).”
I was already humble enough and this little bitch is actually not giving me face. I kindly handed the tibia bone over and she actually took two steps back like she’d seen some kind of disgusting thing, even putting out a dead-fish face full of vigilance.
“I am a magistrate that represents the city, do you know the consequences of attacking an officer.”
“A misunderstanding, it’s a misunderstanding.” Secretly sighing about this drows sensitivity and alertness towards magic, without any other choice I could only silently disperse the mesmerism spell and venomous snake curse on the tibia, letting the mana silently disperse.
“I don’t care if you’re a good person or not, according to the security regulations of Blackrock Mountain a compensation of 50 gold coins and going to apologise are all a must, the time-limit is three days.”
That bitch actually just turned around and directly left after throwing down some ruthless words and taking back the tibia bone.
“If you don’t want me to visit again then remember to report to the officer unit within three days!”
Closing the door my expression turned worse.
“Stupid bitch, careful one day you get knocked out and sold to a slave market, drows have always been the best-selling, most valuable commodities.”
Maliciously cursing in my heart but not saying it aloud, because once I say it aloud, if that bitch really does get sold then won’t I have become the number one suspect, I’m not that stupid.
“Big sis you’re so great. Actually daring to enforce the law with such a scary monster. I’m already scared out of my mind the moment I see him.”
“Hmph, Ah Min, these bastards are actually all the same, strong on the outside dry on the inside. As an honourable officer of Blackrock Mountain you have to know…”
Not for away the conversation of the two drows still travelled over.
“Che, actually daring to look down on me. If not that I’d already turned over a new leaf and decided to be a good person you’d be sold to a brothel this very night.”
Cute Ah Bao seeing that his master was a bit depressed even came over and used his massive tongue with poisonous barbs to lick my face.
“Okay, that’s enough Ah Bao, remember you are a noble Chromaggus, not just a stupid house dog that only knows how to drool all over the place. Come, let’s go apologise to the ‘Rofl’ family and have dinner while we’re at it. Ya, eat ‘dinner’,
Hearing that there’s stuff to eat tonight the two heads of this idiotic dog simultaneously started drooling, hugging me increasingly happily and wildly licking me.
Dogs are truly man’s best friend, two-head hell hounds are especially so, it’s just the feeding cost is a bit expensive. Well, for them bones with mana are the best food, but with the enthusiastic support of the Rofl family I should be able to save another month’s worth of food expenses.
Oh right, forgot to introduce myself. I, Roland Lan, 376 years old this year, am a good person. Uh, no, accurately speaking I’m a good lich.
—I am a dividing line—
If you ask the opinions of people about liches, there probably won’t be that many favorable comments.
“Heinous villains.” “The ultimate existence of undead and dark magic.” “Nightmare of the living, Lord of the undead.”
Even though I’ve always treated it as the envy of the mundane and false accusations of hypocrites, I can’t deny that sometimes the discrimination of these bigots does indeed bring about a decent amount of trouble.
At least, even in Blackrock Mountain where fighting is prohibited, every month I have to deal with a couple of ‘heroes forming a party to combat evil”, or “adventurers breaking into an evil old mansion alone.”
Even though most of the time they can’t even break through the protective magic circle of this old mansion, sometimes I still welcome their arrival, like when I’m lacking guinea pigs, or like now…
“… I’ll definitely… kill you… Don’t touch there! Damned tentacle demon! … This place is no good either!! That place of mine is very sensitive. Ha… Ha… Don’t… I beg you, kill me, kill me!! Kill me if you have the balls.”
Just last week this half-elf ranger flailing about threatened me noisily about punishing me on behalf of heaven, but now she can only lie on the floor of this foul dungeon and moan.
“Let me go, at least… kill me… Don’t!!” Numerous times of accumulation finally reached the peak. After an intense moan, her body that had reached a certain climax first tensed and then in the next second weakly fell over.
That pair of eyes originally full of hatred, even if they’d already lost focus they still instinctively stared straight at me. Her lifeless eyes were finally renewed with hatred after a long while.
“Whoa, don’t look at me like that, over-excitement isn’t good for the body.”
“Bastard!! Bastard!! Bastard!!”
“… Is it that there’s too little curse words in the elven language, or did your language teacher die early, the same term is not enough to make me excited.”
“Scoundrel, creep…” Days of imprisonment and torture grinded away this female ranger’s will, but her constantly highly-raised head and elven pride were not wiped away, even after excessive physical exertion the gold-haired female elf still cursed me while muttering.
“Okay, enough rest, next round!”
“Snap!” Following the snap of a finger, countless black tentacles once again started moving. These familiars summoned by the Pink Grimoire could already no longer suppress their desire to get close to females.
“No!!!… I beg you, let me go!!”
But unfortunately, why would my familiars listen to the pleas of a prisoner.
That’s right, it’s just tickling. I’m a good person, I wouldn’t do anything that’s destined to be censored.
“It’s not up to you, tentacles, go greet the ticklish parts at her waist and below her neck! That is her weak point!”
“Ha… Heehee… Kill me, you bastard!! … Haha”
Truly the punishment female rangers fear the most, very quickly under the countless tentacles she was rolling on the ground laughing.
“Hmph! Serves you right, who told you to dare to barge into my home. If I don’t take good care of you you’ll all think I’m a pushover!”
Of course, I wouldn’t do anything unfavourable for others and for me. Why would I waste my mana just to punish her.
“I’m begging you, I lose, I surrender… I’ll agree to any conditions!!”
“No need, you hanging like this is the greatest contribution towards me.”
Seeing the slowly increasing number on my panel I couldn’t help but sigh.
“Sigh, it’s already been three days and it’s just given 2 points of evil points. What year do I have to wait to until I gather up the 10 thousand points to revive my body.”
Thinking of the happy sex life in legends that all life yearns for and then lowering my head looking at my body which only remained a pile of bones, very quickly my gaze looked towards the poor bastards in the dungeon.
“Punishing evil is also spreading good, for points… No, for justice, for my happy sex life… No, for becoming a good person. Your suffering is my wealth, accept your fates!”
In every cell there are all kinds of prisoners, there’s minotaurs, elves, but the most is still humans.
“Let me out!!” “I’m innocent!” “Don’t come over!!” Sounds of wailing and begging rose up one after another, but not speaking of the lich ignoring them, if they yell maliciously those skeleton soldiers acting as guards will mercilessly whip them making them shut up.
“Ruhr, human, rapist, committed six cases, caught thrice, but due to having a good big bro that is the head of a gang at the docks, the victims were all threatened and didn’t dare to report the crimes, in the end was released due to Blackrock Mountain having insufficient evidence twice.
But at this moment, this young master of a gang is crying out the most miserably.
“Since you like mating so much I’ll give you your fill of mating.”
And so I found a couple of 3 meter tall ogres to play with him every day… Although, they’re males, and also the ones where their things are even thicker than the calves of humans…
Okay, right now his cell is honestly too horrible to look at, even I feel disgusted. Let’s talk about his neighbour.
“Dia Gold, gnome con artist, even though he’s been simultaneously accused for dozens of cases, his skill is very superb and the victims often lack decisive evidence. This guy is also willing to spend money for Blackrock Mountain’s best lawyer so he’s still gone unpunished to this day.
Right now this gambler is in the middle of a gamble with red-shot eyes.
“I… I win!! Your money is all mine, you have to let me go according to the arrangement!! I have 4 kings!!”
But the undead player on the opposite side laughed. He spread his cards, 4 aces, exactly one value higher that his.
“No, no, no, impossible! You’ve already consecutively won 767 times, you’re cheating!!”
“Cheating that has not been caught is fair game, is this not precisely your catchphrase? Okay, tell me the last fortune and secret you’re hiding!”
“I… I have to turn over next round!!”
Of course that undead player is cheating, this is a set of magic cards that I specially enchanted. Whatever card he wants he gets, how can that Dia win.
If it was a normal person they’d already be discouraged after consecutively losing hundreds of rounds, but how could Dia this gambler whose eyes were already red from losing let go while seeing the opportunity to obtain wealth and freedom before him.
The undead player doesn’t even need to convince Dia to be fooled, he only needs to sit there and play cards. That greed ingrained in the bones of gnomes will make Dia who has nothing to do in the cell come over on his own.
“If… If I can win a round then I’ll be able to make everything back.”
And so, like the victims that were tricked by him in the past, this guy was brought by his greed into an endless abyss, already losing all of his wealth.
In reality I have no interest in his tricks and secrets, but everytime he loses that despair and anger that comes from the bottom of his heart will give me even more evil points, and his neighbour that guy who has already become numb is giving increasingly less.
This place is a prison, a prison that belongs to me. The majority of the prisoners here are all sinful bastards that due to certain reasons the government of Blackrock Mountain is unable to punish.
That unreliable system of mine can obtain power from the misfortune and pain of others. And to be a good person I could only choose the path of punishing crime to promote good.
And so through certain connections I got all of these bastards here to act as the food of that ‘Evil Lich System’ of mine.
The treatment of that hero that “barged into hell alone” could be considered the best. In any case she just broke a couple of flower vases and knocked apart a couple of skeleton gardeners. I’ll just play with her for a couple of days and then throw her out.
The others are all sons of bitches enough to be sentenced to death. So, I let them enjoy what they once did to other people, or in other words, become victims of their own evil deeds.
Such as making rapists taste what it’s like to be raped, making tricksters taste what it’s like to lose everything, making bandits and thieves taste what it’s like to be abducted and robbed, making unscrupulous merchants who maliciously stock up goods causing them to be rare and manufacturing famine to enjoy sleeping on top of a gold mountain but not being able to buy a slice of bread.
“Lunatic!! You’re a lunatic!”
“I beg you, let me go!”
How boring is it to do something that is unfavorable towards others and for me. Through that nameless system their pain will turn into my strength, turn into the cornerstones for my resurrection.
“I’m not crazy, you’re crazy!”
“Crazy Lich!! I beg you let me go, I’ll do anything!”
Crazy Lich? Indeed, a decent amount of people say that I’ve already gone crazy, but the earliest to say it is that person.
My bone fingers rubbed my lower jaw, recalling my memories.
“Exactly when did I start to go crazy? Is it last life when I was a judge upholding fairness and justice and being stripped of office by unscrupulous officials, in the end being ostracized to the point the I couldn’t even continue to be a lawyer?”
“Is it when I carried that strange system reviving in this world, thinking that I was the destined main character, swearing to make the citizens and my family live even more happily, yet discovering that cruel fate cannot be twisted, step by step losing my country, family and all those close to me?”
“Is it when I swore revenge against the gods and all hypocrites, carrying my crippled body forming an undead army, yet discovering in my path of vengeance that behind me there was already a pile of corpses and ruin, I was already like those hypocrites and aspirants, raising a righteous flag and constantly creating disaster and misfortune?”
“Hehe, maybe, from the beginning, me who has the memory of two lives had already gone crazy after I discovered the truth of the world.”