In the future if there are people discussing about what the most thrilling and stimulating ride in the amusement park is, even if the people with their own opinions don’t ask me I will still shamelessly insert myself to say– It’s definitely the ferris wheel.
This is what I’m thinking while I’m standing at the washroom door waiting for Yoruhisa Hatsuyuki.
After the females who were in the washroom before come out and see me, they all inevitably throw me a look of contempt. I calmly accept them all, after all what I just did was no less than, or you could even say completely surpassed Akiha-senpai’s behaviour of drawing underwear on his test paper.
After waiting for about 10 minutes at the washroom entrance, I notice a little loli in a black dress with her head lowered slowly come out from the washroom. I can tell that she’s definitely very embarassed right now, honestly don’t mention her, even I feel very awkward looking at her. But I’m after all a guy, I can’t just leave her there like that.
「Um… Yoruhisa, sorry, at that time I could only do that.」
Hearing me talk to her, Yoruhisa Hatsuyuki’s head seems to bury itself even deeper. I faintly hear her release a cute “Mm~” of frustration due to being too embarrassed.
Huh? Am I hearing things? I think I actually heard her say thank you to me even after doing those things to Yoruhisa Hatsuyuki?
It must be fake, there is no greater illusion in life than thinking that a certain girl likes you, in second place comes hearing Yoruhisa Hatsuyuki say thank you after doing what I did.
「Thank you… very much.」
Does she know I’m in disbelief which is why she repeated it again? But this time I believe it!
「It… It’s okay, I just did what I could do.」
My lolicon heart is cheering, because it has been recognized.
Afterwards Yoruhisa Hatsuyuki returns back to being what she was initially like, following me with a flat expression. At this time I suddenly want to do a test, during the last date Yoruhisa Shikuyuki said that it’s enough for me to maintain a distance of half a meter from her. Right now I want to try and see if it’s okay for me to get a bit closer.
After having a plan, I slowly get closer to her, 40 centimeters, no problem; 30 centimeters, she appears a bit nervous but it’s still within an acceptable range; 25 centimeters, still within an acceptable range; 20 centimeters, she no longer looks quite at ease. This distance is actually already very good, this means that she’s already quite at ease with me, but I still want to be an idiot and get a bit closer to see…
I slowly, very slowly slowly continue moving closer to her, she’s already displaying a very shaky look. When I’m only 10 centimeters away from her, she extends her hand to me, it looks like it really is because I’m too close so she wants to push me away.
But unexpectedly, she doesn’t push me away and instead gently grabs my hand. I’m immediately a bit shocked, from her little hand I feel a bit of warmth, and then I smile softly, slowly grabbing her little hand and holding hands with her.
「Yoruhisa, let’s go eat lunch.」
Yoruhisa Hatsuyuki is a girl who doesn’t like speaking. Not only that, she doesn’t even know how to express her intent of wanting to get close to someone, she always passively accepts the kindness of others. After we eat lunch, we play at numerous rides and attractions in the afternoon, we keep playing until the sky is no longer bright before leaving the amusement park. This time I propose to take her home on my own, she doesn’t reject. Thus me and her get on the car together and get off near her home.
After Yoruhisa Hatsuyuki says goodbye to me she walks on the path home while I get back in the taxi and go back to my own home.
When I get off the car again, the night sky has already completely spread across the horizon.
I’ve always thought that Yoruhisa Shikuyuki is a girl with a lot of connections with the night, everytime she appears in the night she will always give me a great deal of shock. Could this time be the same too?
I silently watch Yoruhisa Shikuyuki who is standing at the apartment entrance, her appearance is very sudden, making me a bit bewildered.
Under this night sky her cool voice appears even more ethereal.
「Ya, I’ve already taken your little sister home.」
「Thank you, how was the date today?」
「Pretty good I think.」
If you take away the matter with the ferris wheel and only keep the scene of me holding her hand, then I think it was pretty good.
「That’s good, the reason I came here today was actually also to confirm this matter with you.」
「Is that so.」
「What do you think about Hatsuyuki?」
「She’s a very cute girl.」
「Is this evaluation of yours applicable to all little lolis?」
… She’s right, towards little lolis, the adjective “cute” will never be wrong.
「What I want to know is, what do you think of Hatsuyuki as an independent individual?」
For a moment I don’t know how I should answer her.
「Sure enough, as a lolicon you just don’t want to give up on any single loli.」
「Forget it, right now I just want you to precisely tell me your attitude, will you treat Hatsuyuki well? Even after you cure her androphobia.」
This is my response from the bottom of my heart.
「I understand, then I’m going now.」
She walks over to my side, behind me is the path towards the street, when she’s about to brush shoulders with me:
「Let me walk you to the street.」
I don’t know exactly what I was thinking either, but I just feel like I shouldn’t let her leave alone. She looks a bit surprised but silently nods her head. Thus me and her walk towards the street together, she’s silent the entire time and is walking a bit absent-mindedly. When we reach the roadside, I’m just about to say goodbye to her and then head back home when an accident nearly occurs.
I don’t know what she’s thinking about, while the light is red at the intersection she is still walking forward. Seeing a car about to ram straight into her, I hurriedly move forward and pull her back, pulling her into my chest.
「What were you thinking? Not even watching where you’re going!」
It really was just a few seconds off, if she had kept walking like that she would have definitely gotten into an accident. I feel extremely lucky that I proposed before to walk her to the street.
Only at this time does she react, thinking that she was nearly about to be hit by a car just now she’s in a bit of shock. Right now she is leaning against my chest, I feel there shouldn’t be such a romantic position between us so I want to let go of her.
But when I take my hands away from her body, she doesn’t pull away her body from me and instead tightly grabs the front of my clothes with her hands, burying her head in my chest.
「Sorry… Just give me ten seconds.」
Her voice sounds a bit choked, causing me to be unable to say anything to refuse her.
I silently agree to her behaviour and let her lean against my chest, right now the light has already turned green and the passing pedestrians by the roadside all secretly look at us revealing expressions of envy. But amongst these passing pedestrians I discover a familiar figure.
She has two big bags of items in her hands, it looks like she just came back from the supermarket. She calmly watches me and Yoruhisa Shikuyuki, after watching for a few seconds she turns around leaving in the direction of her home.
My mind is completely blank, I don’t know what I should do. I can’t bring myself to push away Yoruhisa Shikuyuki and then mindlessly chase after Awayume.
These tens seconds that Yoruhisa Shikyuki is leaning against my chest seem to last a lifetime. After she pulls away her body from my chest, I also feel like something in my heart has been pulled away.
Yoruhisa Shikuyuki who has regained her composure disappears along the sidewalk in this vast night, while I absent-mindedly walk back home. Arriving at the door, I can’t bring myself to open the door, but you’ve eventually got to face what you have to face. I take out the key and open the door, after walking inside Awayume is already sitting at the dining table.
Even when I call Awayume’s name it appears a bit unintelligible.
「Oku-kun, you’re back.」
「Ya, I’m back.」
「That girl just now… was Yoruhisa Shikuyuki right?」
She suddenly mentions that girl who was in my embrace just now.
「Ya… it’s her, um, I…」
「Sh, you don’t need to explain anything Oku-kun.」
Awayume walks to my side, her long and slim index finger softly touching my lip.
「Yoruhisa Shikyuki really is a very beautiful girl, so beautiful that I’m even jealous.」
So Awayume also thinks that Yoruhisa Shikuyuki is very beautiful? Probably every person who sees her will think that.
「Moreover, not only her appearance, her cool aura also has a fatal attractions towards guys right?」
Males will always think of conquering those untouchable flowers, this is their nature.
「If not even a girl like this can move your heart Oku-kun, then no one else can do so right?」
「But, Oku-kun, do you know?」
Awayume retracts her index finger pressing on my lips and places it on her own lips. She slightly crooks her head looking at me, a smile on her face.
「I’m very happy.」
I don’t understand, not one bit, how can Awayume still feel happy after seeing that sort of thing.
「The reason is very simple.」
Awayume’s smile grows even bigger.
「Because as long as you don’t only like little lolis then that’s enough for me.」
It’s actually this reason!
「I’m very delighted, really very delighted. I’m so happy to be able to see you have seemingly intimate contact with a girl who isn’t a little loli Oku-kun.」
「Because, as long as you won’t only like little lolis, then I have a chance.」
Awayume’s words are filled with magic, making me unknowingly enthralled and drawn in.
「Maybe you’ll think that I’ll be very sad seeing you have that sort of intimate action with another girl Oku-kun.」
I do indeed think that.
「But it’s not so, it really isn’t, I’m very happy, because…」
Awayume’s eyes are filled with a glow of confidence.
「As long as you’ll like girls besides little lolis Oku-kun, then Sakurada Awayume has the confidence to win your heart.」
Her voice has an unquestionable determination, her words are filled with confidence.
I’m a complete mess right now, what I’m thinking about right now isn’t whether or not Awayume or someone else will make me fall in love with them, but a more fundamental question about myself.
Could I really fall in love with a girl besides a little loli?
I’ve never even thought of this question before, I firmly believed that I am a lolicon with a grand faith, I couldn’t possible fall in love with females besides little lolis.
But today, my persistence has been shaken again and again. Regardless of Yoruhisa Shikuyuki’s action of burying her head in my chest by the street, or Awayume’s bold and confident declaration right now, they really have caused my heart that I once thought was unshakeable to have a crack in it.
This crack is very terrifying, a single accident could very like cause my faith and what I’ve pursued all these year to vanish in an instant.
「Oku-kun, that you will like other females while liking little lolis really makes me very happy.」
Awayume’s words will only make my heart gradually lose its guard even more.
She’s right, even though I’m a lolicon, why can’t I also like other females? Other females and little lolis don’t affect each other right? Even if I go out with other females, as long as I still like little lolis I’m still a lolicon right? For them I can still devote my all…
My heart is gradually shrouded by Awayume’s nightmarish words. In this cage without any bars, I am completely unable to find a direction to escape, I can only wander helplessly in the darkness, no matter how I run I can’t leave this cage created by my heart.
This is the biggest test I’ve encountered since becoming a lolicon, in fact I don’t even know what it’s testing, but I understand very clearly that if I still can’t find my way, I will only be defeated in this test and thereby lose something that is very important to me.
「Think about it Oku-kun, as long as I have a chance I absolutely won’t give up.」
Awayume’s gentle words always inadvertently gnaw at my determination.
Afterwards Awayume leaves my room and I return to my room lying on the bed. My mind is a complete mess, I keep think about Awayume’s words that are filled with temptation.
If I accept her words, I’ll be able to go out with regular females while also be able to love little lolis and be a lolicon right? Lolicons are people who can give their everything for little lolis, that’s why they are lolicons. As long as I still persist in this, then I’m still a lolicon. And besides this I can also give other people happiness, Awayume has always liked me, since a long, long time ago she has liked me, in fact she’s liked me even before when she confessed to me in grade 7.
I still remember like it was yesterday, the lonely and hopeless look on her face that day when I rejected her, that was an expression only had when you felt like you were abandoned by the world. Even though I’m not willing to admit it, I know that maybe to her I really am very important. In my heart she’s always been my childhood best friend, for her I’m willing to go fight with other people, but I don’t dare to accept her feelings.
If, if I accept her, she’ll definitely be very happy right? She also knows very well that I’m a lolicon, she’ll definitely tolerate me to also love little lolis right?
But I feel like there really is something wrong like this, although I can’t put it in words.
Yoruhisa Shikuyuki, even though we already buried the past in the night sky of that night with the drifting scraps of paper that filled the sky, there will still be some feelings remaining that time has yet to completely wash away right? And with the following contact, this will only make this affection become like a drug, making us intoxicated in it, over time it will make me unable to free myself from it.
But if I’m willing to open up my feelings and accept everything, then maybe the ending will be even more beautiful, right? If me and her get together due to some sort of opportunity, then with her care towards her little sister, she’ll still hope that I can continue helping her little sister Yoruhisa Hatsuyuki walk out of her fear of males. I can still come in contact with the little lolis that I as a lolicon like the most, right?
But I still like there really is something wrong like this, but I can’t say it.
These things that I can’t put to words keep lingering in my mind, I’m unable to explore it, and unable to expel it, I can only let it hover in my mind.
I don’t know that this isn’t something that can be expelled, nor is it something allowed to be expelled, it’s name is my conscience.
If I let it go, not only will I lose the right to be a lolicon, I will lose even more things.
That kind of me would truly have– Lost the right to be human.